Letters From Lana

Dear readers,

It’s me, Lana! You know, the star of Dream Big, Bark Loudly! Momma’s mad at me, so she said she didn’t want to blog about me today. Which really, I should be mad at her! So I’m going to just write today’s blog post myself.

Momma writes at a desk, but I'm smart. I write where I can watch the porch-lizards.

Momma writes at a desk, but I’m smart. I write where I can watch the porch-lizards.

Last night, Nana (momma’s momma) accidentally dropped a pill. Naturally, since I like to be helpful, I ate it for her. I think momma turned about as white as me. Papa asked why I won’t eat my heartworm pill, but I’ll eat Nana’s pills.

Duh. Because it was pink! (Just kidding, I don’t know what “pink” is, but momma insists it’s my favorite color.) I’ll admit it. I didn’t mean to eat medicine. It just looked like a crumb.

So after eating a gross crumb, I thought surely I’d paid enough for my ‘gluttony’, as momma calls it. I was wrong. It got worse. Momma and my grandparents spent a while trying to figure out which pill was missing. They decided it was a blood pressure/diuretic. Mom didn’t think it was very funny that her “incontinent dog” ate a “diuretic” pill. But I don’t know what either of those things are. I assume by ‘incontinent’ she meant ‘incredible’ and by ‘diuretic’ she meant ‘the world’s most disappointing food crumb’. Don’t be too hard on her – she hasn’t used big words in a long time.

That's because she spends more time on Pinterest than on WordPress.

That’s because she spends more time on Pinterest than on WordPress.

Anyway, she claimed she thought I’d be okay, but took me outside with a cup of some clear, bubbly liquid. She shot some of it down my throat with a syringe. Then she walked me around and rubbed my belly, complaining that something was taking too long.

She complains about stuff a lot, so I didn’t pay too much attention. Plus I got distracted by a big frog, so I wasn’t listening to exactly what was taking so long. My tummy hurt a little, but I didn’t throw up then. Momma always says “mind over matter”! Except last night. Last night she just complained that the liquid was too old and said she’d buy more soon.

In the middle of the night, my tummy started to hurt worse and I did end up puking on mom’s carpet. Oh and I peed on it early in the morning. Like, the moon was still out. Momma looked tired, (she’s scary in the morning) but she took me outside to pee again and then cleaned the floor before she went back to bed. I felt really bad, but she didn’t yell at me.

Too bad we're both tired today. It's weird, the grumpy old lady is more peppy than we are.

Too bad we’re both tired today. It’s weird, the grumpy old lady is more peppy than we are.

So, anyway, she didn’t feel much like writing today, so I gave it a shot. I gotta say, I think I’m pretty good. For a dog. (I think it helps that mom talks to me like a person.)

Anyway, I know most people do a Word-less Wednesday, but since this is the first time I got to write, I decided Wordy Wednesday was more fun. Mom says it’s Thursday now. She got mad because ‘some idiot wasn’t paying attention on the road’ and knocked out mom’s ‘link to the outside world’. She just kept mumbling no internet, no cable, nothing to do. Don’t worry, I entertained her until bed time. So much fetching!

Anyway, today momma’s happy again, so I guess I can post this now. It’s been fun! Maybe I’ll take over the blog more often!

Maybe I'll just make this my office.

Maybe I’ll just make this my office.

Love, Lana

You Can’t Convince Me I’m Not A ‘Real’ Mom

ImageA recent study showed the relationship between dogs and pet parents mimics that of human children and their parents. I fail to see how this is news. I could have sworn it was common knowledge.

We dog moms, and probably other pet moms too, call ourselves ‘furmoms’. Should I explain? I can give you 25 reasons!

1. We love unconditionally

This one’s easy. My dogs have eaten things very precious to me, and I’ve had this amazing feeling of… almost apathy. I approach that as ‘stuff’. And stuff is never more important than my babies. Don’t get me wrong, they still need to be disciplined, but I love them no matter what.

2. I’ve cleaned as many bodily fluids/wastes as any other mom

Plus more hair than most moms. (God I hope you don’t have little sasquatch children…)

3. Everyone and their uncle hears about my dogs

They see pictures of my dogs, they see Facebook updates about my dogs, I have this blog about my dogs. I may need to tone it down.

4. I take my girl on play dates, and I become friends with her friends’ parents

Seriously. It’s actually pretty awesome.

5. I have holiday pictures of my girl

Christmas. Easter. Halloween. And I look forward to getting more every year!

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6. They participate in holidays other ways, too

Desi and our Lab Tinkerbell trick or treated. Lana, Desi, and Sierra wore Halloween costumes. Desi and Lana can open Christmas and birthday presents.

7. My home and car reflect my status as a mom

I even have a bumper sticker. But I meant the toys scattered everywhere, the fur in every crack and crevice, and the unsightly blotches in my carpet. Kids (and furkids) are a stain that never comes out. But in a good way.

8. I hate disciplining them, but I have to

Because that’s what a good parent does. *Not so subtle hint*

9. I dealt with the teenager phase

It just happened much sooner. About seven times as young, actually. And it ended faster. Yay!

10. I learned how to handle all sorts of maladies

Teething, warts, mange, incontinence, UTIs. Basically like teething, chicken pox, rashes, bed wetting, and UTIs. Or, at least that’s the best comparison I can come up with.

11. I drive them to school and daycare

Yep. And obedience classes involved me helping with homework just like real school should involve parents helping with homework. And I like to imagine graduating beginning obedience class is like graduating high school, intermediate is like getting a bachelors degree, and advanced is like getting a doctorate. So my dog is practically as educated as I am. And just about equally likely to get hired, thanks to my English/Psychology degree.

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12. They’ve cost me and arm and a leg

And it’s not just food! So very much food. It’s vet bills, pills, toys, collars, replacements for everything they’ve ruined… just like kids!

13. I’m more familiar with their doctor than mine

I kid you not, when the blood diagnostic center asked my doctor’s name, I almost blurted out my vet. That would have been awkward.

14. Maintenance is a must

Cutting nails, brushing hair, bathing, cleaning ears. The one thing I thank god I don’t have to deal with is using that sucky-squeezy thing (I think it’s called a bulb syringe) to suck snot out of baby noses. *shudders* I do respect you, human moms.

15. They get spoiled by the grandparents

Well, mine does at least. It’s like I have a kid; Lana’s grandparents babysit and buy her gifts and treats every time they see her.

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16. They wake us up in the middle of the night

And first thing in the morning. And during much needed naps. And even when we’re half asleep on the treadmill because we don’t know when to stop.

17. Some of them are terrified of strangers

Like mine. Ohmygosh!! Mom!! There’s someone at the door! They’re here to kill us all!! Make them go away! Bark bark bark!

18. Some are terrified of everything else, too

I got what I deserved. I used to be afraid of radiation, carbon monoxide, murderers, snakes, flesh eating bugs, government surveillance… all when I was in middle school. (100% serious, I was a weird kid.) And guess what! Now I have a dog who is afraid of hats, gloves, plastic bags, Halloween decorations, heating elements, the phrase ‘ooga booga’, vacuum cleaners…

19. Potty training

This was awful for Lana! It didn’t help I was on the third floor and had to run down several flights of stairs whenever she needed to pee. And when she didn’t but I thought she did. And when she said she did and then forgot once we got there.

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20. My fur kid also has A.D.D.

Only instead of losing focus during homework, she gets distracted when trying to find a spot to go potty (see number 19).

21. “That’s Mine!”

Anybody else think of the little kid, Randy, from A Christmas Story? Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING belongs to Lana. The food on my plate, all the toys – even the ones she’s not playing with (poor fosters), my spot on the couch… Insert Doctor Sheldon Cooper’s: ‘You can’t sit there, that’s MY spot!’

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22. We argue about the best way to raise them

Seriously, can we stop with this? Some people are SO judgmental. Let’s try to save it for a common enemy instead of pissing off our allies. We all learn, experiment, and figure out what’s best for us and our dogs, just like parents and children. (Note: abuse is still bad, but go easy on assuming everyone who gives a spanking is an abuser, okay? Thanks.)

23. They pout

When Desi gets mad at us, she turns her back to us and ignores us when we call her. Well, she used to. Now she’s deaf, so it’s not really her fault anymore…

24. They will totally lie to our faces

Human kiddos: “Did you brush your teeth yet?” “Yep!” “Then why does your breath stink?!” or “Did you steal a cookie from the jar?” “No ma’am!” “Then what are these crumbs?” (That’s right, we said ma’am and sir in my house! But we didn’t have a cookie jar… boo!)

Doggie kiddos: “Did you eat this shoe?” *tail wags innocently* “Stop lying!!!”

Image25. They have us wrapped around their fingers, er, paws

Lana has this habit of using her Border Collie stare when she wants ice. I can resist that, but when she starts with her Husky talk, I can’t say no. We’re working on teaching her to say ‘Mama’. I’m not even kidding.

ImageI’ve seen mothers of human children take offense, though that’s not the intent of this post. We aren’t saying what you do isn’t hard(er); we’re just saying we’ve had a taste of it, too!